Suicide

In a moment, ending the sensations of life.
The in breath, the out breath, the cessation of life.
How could I contemplate such a delusion?
How could I embrace such a thought?
How could I attempt such an act?

The abyss so deep
The chasm so wide,
There was nowhere to run
No place to hide.

Utter desolation in every moment
Desperate thoughts only of despair,
Depression and I,
The most intimate pair.

No moments of reprieve
Darkness in the sunshine
Darkness in the light
Darkness everywhere,
Nothing else in sight.

The fear of death, infinitesimal
The fear of life, all encompassing
Less afraid of dying
Than living my death.

So numb inside
Wanting only to depart
No pull to stay
They would be better off
Without me anyway.

No escaping the depression, pain
No longer could I endure
The look of suffering
On my children's faces.

This situation was not going to change.

The first pill swallowed,
No turning back
I swallowed the whole bottle.
I ask God for forgiveness.
I close my eyes.

Will it be painful?
Will it be quick?
In an instant,
All consciousness lost.

After the attempt I woke up,
I have no memory of it.
I have been told
That I apologized again and again.

When I woke up the second time,
I felt the encroaching depression,
The feeling of shame.
I couldn't even get my death right.

This situation has to change.

I knew my existence
Was no accident.
The journey homeward,
Slow and arduous.

I must ride the wave
Of this adventure called Life.
There is no going back.
"Been there, Done that".

I came to the crossroads of Life and Death
Never before traversed.
I will face whatever is in front of me
To become fully awake.

In facing Death
I can now face Life.
All the struggles, all the joys
I can Love myself.

My life is about the
Relentless pursuit
Of Self-Love
Taking precedence over all else.

My life is my legacy to my children.
My gift of Love to myself
My joy and my passion
My purpose.

If not to inspire
Than for what purpose are we here?
My journey from Death to Life
A transformation to Love from fear.

Each moment precious,
Full of miracles
Clarity and Light.
To God I give unceasing thanks.