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For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
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1. |
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. |
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2. |
A day without sunshine is like, night. |
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3. |
On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
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4. |
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. |
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5. |
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
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6. |
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
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7. |
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. |
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8. |
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. |
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9. |
Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
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10. |
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. |
| 11. | Remember - half the people you know are below average. |
| 12. | Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? |
| 13. | Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. |
| 14. | Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| 15. | He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
| 16. | Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| 17. | Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
| 18. | The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| 19. | I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. |
| 20. | I intend to live forever - so far, so good. |
| 21. | Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. |
| 22. | If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
| 23. | My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. |
| 24. | Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. |
| 25. | The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. |
| 26. | Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. |
| 27. | When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. |
| 28. | If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
| 29. | A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
| 30. | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| 31. | For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
| 32. | Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. |
| 33. | Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
| 34. | No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
| 35. | Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. |
| 36. | The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. |
| 37. | The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. |
| 38. | The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. |
| 39. | To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. |
| 40. | To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. |
| 41. | Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. |
| 42. | You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
| 43. | Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
| 44. | The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
| 45. | The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. |
| 46. | A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| 47. | Change is inevitable except from vending machines. |
| 48. | Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! |
| 49. | Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. |
| 50. | Always try to be modest and be proud of it! |
| 51. | If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. |
| 52. | How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand … |
| 53. | Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. |
| 54. | If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. |
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