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Oh shit!
It's starting again.
I feel it coming on.
The downward spiral.
I can't believe I'm here again.
I thought I had conquered it forever.
Help me!


I can't stand it.
It's too fucking scary to feel the feelings…
Disconnected, Isolated, Totally Alone,
Abandoned, Grieving, Ashamed, Suici…,
No, no, no! I don't want to feel that!
What if I lose control? What if I can't
Come back from feeling the negative feelings?
What if I'm stuck here…forever.
I won't want to live anymore.
Won't be able to bear the pain.


It's a pattern I've traced back to my childhood.
Feelings of being different. Feeling "I can't".
Feelings of "I'm not O.K." Life as a child
was not fun.
 I was worried and stressed about
all I was not.


Anger turned inward.
What am I so angry about?
I don't really feel angry.
I have always felt separate.

After much inner work I now know that I'm angry/depressed
because I've been living The Big Lie,
the big Fucking Lie -
that I am separate.
I have forgotten the Truth.
That there is no separation.
That I am connected to all that is, was, and ever will be.
I am an essential part of the whole.


It's so insidious.
It sets in when I am not fully in a state of Self-Love.
Then ego takes over.
It sees the perfect opening: Self-doubt.
Self-doubt holds the door open for ego to get its grip.
Ego says "Don't change".
Ego is the voice of my parents,
Of all Collective Consciousness saying "No",
pulling me back into suffering.
It does this through control, manipulation, judgment, criticism,
protection, and defense.
 Ego is so seductive.

Being gripped by ego in this way, slipping down into depression
feels like sliding down a greasy pole
where there is no possibility I can climb up once again.
I feel hopeless. Helpless. I cry out. Help me!
Or I withdraw. I forget that the depression, the suffering
is not who I Am.

I can choose to live a life of suffering
or I can choose to change,
Surrendering the personal life.

If I stay enmeshed in the drama of suffering
there is no possibility to experience who I really Am.
No possibility at all to experience the joy that is within me,
the joy that I can experience everyday.
Humanity chooses to enter the Theater of Life
through Doorway Number 1. Suffering.
Humanity knows it well. This path was laid down
like thin sheets of fly paper through millenniums.
It is the Judeo-Christian ethic.
But there is another doorway to choose…Doorway Number 2.
We do not know where this doorway will lead.
One enters on Trust and Faith and Love.
There are few who have gone before us down this path.
But once we give up the Microcosm of our little self,
our personal life, our dramas,
listen to our Soul, surrender to the journey designed
by our own unique Soul that we might Wake Up,
we enter into the Macrocosm - the realm of all possibilities.
Everything changes in one's life then.
One realizes that there is something larger going on.
One connects with the Continuity of Consciousness.
The Love that is always there, always available to us
24 yours a day if we simply open our Hearts and connect with it.

Once one lives at that level, miracles happen.
They occur because one is no longer attached to
the form or preconceived vision of what anything needs to look like.
So the energy of Love flows freely in multitudes of form.
One is then fully open to receive everything rather than one thing.
Everything comes through the Consciousness of Love.


Anger turned inward.
I no longer choose to waste my life.
I choose Love.
My brief lifestream will be over in the blink of an eye.
I have been blessed with a body so I can be here on the earth
to experience this lifestream.
I have been blessed with friends who love me and support me,
traveling companions on the path of Life.
My life is what I make it.
It can bring me joy, or I can choose to stay in fear.
I choose Love. I choose Joy. I choose to experience
all that I am , and all I can be.
I would not have missed this for the world.
Thank you, God, for the gift of my life. I will remember.
Yes, I will remember.



For further reading on a particular subject found in this writing, please click on a topic heading below:

Consciousness Negative Feelings
Self-Love Soul/Being
The Big Lie Truth


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