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Mom's Shadow And My Dream

In my dreams, I see a stream. Upon the surface of its waves of silver floats a jade-green lotus leaf. In the center of that leaf sleeps a baby. The baby is having a dream, dreaming of a large lotus leaf, floating in the middle of a stream. In the middle of the leaf sleeps a baby having a dream…

This image has appeared over and over again. One night I determined to divine its meaning: "Water means life…" my Soul told me. "You are that baby, while the lotus leaf is the shadow of your mother."

The shadow of my mother follows me wherever I go. Sometimes I feel that the lotus leaf represents the loving arms of mother, carefully holding me and giving me infinite Love and support. Sometimes I feel the leaf is the unrealized dreams of mother, so that her shadow is a reminder to me to fulfill her dreams…

From childhood till now, going from the East to the West, I am always the center of mother's loving concern. Every time I leave home for a long journey, mother always looks over my luggage under the lamplight, fastening tightly once more the buttons on my clothes. No matter where I am, I always feel that mother is beside me. My voice holds the sound of her voice. My way of thinking holds her resoluteness. With everything I do, I enter a very familiar world. All the places I have been are imbued with mother's tender, loving thoughts.

When I began to understand life, mother revealed to me the two greatest regrets in her life. One was her career. She had been the most promising student of her class, but due to circumstances at home, she could not finish her education. Up to now, this knot in her Heart has never been undone. The second was her marriage. Had she not married my father back then there would be no me. It was also primarily due to my birth that she was unable to free herself from this unhappy marriage.

I, in whose veins flows the blood of mother, immediately understood how to arrange the course of my life so that I could bring mother some happiness. Naturally, mother's dreams became my dreams; entering a key university; selecting a major that mother helped me to choose. Upon graduation, I found a man who most matched mother's ideal and got married. A few years later I was quite surprised to discover that from the beginning, all of my efforts had been but compensation for my mother. All in all, before my thirtieth birthday I had fulfilled the two unrealized dreams of mother. The dreams of mother could be mine. That is, if they could bring me the same fulfillment and peace they would have for her. But in reality it did not work out that way. My perceptive mother could see well enough that my marriage was far from happy.

So at the branching of the stream, I made a new choice. I would be responsible to myself. I ended the marriage; at the same time I shattered mother's hopes, mother's dreams. It was then that "My true self" returned. I became so strong that I let go of the leaf, releasing the pressure part of mother's shadow. The new dreams I am weaving are my real dreams, my own dreams…

I see myself swimming freely in the stream, playing with the waves, the leaves are floating upon the surface. I realize that always living in freedom is my true dream, which is also the reality I am living now…

 


 

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