As a Soul, I chose to be born into a family with an interesting dynamic. My fraternal twin sister came into the world without the sense of hearing, while I entered with a great passion for self-expression. From the very beginning, my intense need to communicate was thwarted.
Instead of having my need to be heard and known satisfied, I chose to take on the responsibility of being the voice and ears through which my twin communicated with the world. I also took on the added responsibility of being the one who would try to save a very sad and rage-filled mother from herself. I took the savior position in the triangle in my attempt to make my mother and sister happy. I, of course, failed miserably, losing myself in the process. I had abandoned my self-expression in order to be loved and play the savior role. I became the good little girl wearing the façade of happiness, all the while hiding my pain and anguish from myself and others. What a consummate actress I became.
In choosing to be the savior, I denied the one true joy and refuge in my life, my singing. Fraught with guilt over my sister's deafness, I could not allow myself to revel in the one thing that truly made my heart sing. To make matters even more difficult, my maternal grandfather was a renowned concert violinist, a perfectionist, a virtuoso. Who was I, a child with a natural gift, to presume that I could compete with a man of such genius and stature? Thwarted again, I continued to find my identity in something or someone outside of myself chasing rainbows of disillusionment.
I was the black sheep in my family, the one who was teased for being too serious, too sensitive, too emotional. I felt like the ugly duckling in a family of swans. All of my self-referencing came from not feeling worthy or good enough. I experienced separation, isolation, and abandonment. Always looking outside myself for love and approval, I was often accompanied by two constant companions on the road of life, disappointment and suffering.
At the age of twenty-one, I was plagued with an illness that would not be diagnosed for eleven years. Although my father had been diagnosed as manic-depressive years earlier, our outward manifestations of the disease appeared to be so different that no one even imagined that we shared the same condition. After I was diagnosed, it took me many years to come to terms with my illness. In fact it was an attempt at suicide that became the final impetus for me to turn my life around.
The last four and one half years have been a powerful journey of self-love and discovery. The transformation within myself and my family has been incredible. Although my mother has been deceased for six years, she remains a driving force in my healing process and self-discovery. She has been the perfect mirror for me reflecting all those aspects of myself that I refused to embrace: my shadow side. I now see my mother in a new light. She is my inspiration to love all that I am. In so doing, I am honoring her and her love for me. She did the best that she could. I feel a new level of love and compassion for both of us. As far as my father is concerned, I am sharing myself with him as never before. He has always been an enigma to me. Now, I am discovering who he is and in so doing discovering myself. I am experiencing his love for me and my love for him as if for the first time. I see the process of our relationship as the unfoldment of a rare and beautiful flower. Last but not least, I am experiencing a whole new connection with my twin. I am letting her love in as never before. I am experiencing being known and heard by her. I hold my relationship with her as a total blessing. I am releasing my guilt around her deafness and am choosing to express all that I am. My near demise has become a blessing in disguise. It has allowed me to share myself with my family and experience a new found joy in the process of embracing life.
I have reclaimed my passion for self-expression. My voice keeps going to new levels of freedom. I have also been writing about my life experiences and in doing so I am feeling known and heard by myself and others. Through my writings, my sister, father, and I are discovering who I am. My Soul infuses me with inspiration. I am here to share my love story with any and all who wish to hear it. I see my life as a composite of Soul agreements which I chose in order to wake up and remember God, which I am. I chose my family to learn about self-love. I chose my illness to learn about compassion. I chose death to teach me how to live. I chose suffering so that I could know joy. This is the bigger picture of the drama of my so-called life. I am in awe of the magnificence of Divine Order. I am learning to live in a state of surrender to Divine Love. I give unceasing thanks to God for the miracle of my life and its many blessings.
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